Dos & Don’ts when kicking, screaming and tantrums begin
In my previous post, How to prevent tantrums from happening without yelling, I introduced some simple tricks to prevent challenging behaviors (e.g., tantrum, screaming, talking back, etc.) from happening.
These tricks should make going to the park, leaving for school, turning off the video game much easier with little to no scuffles.
Well, I hate to complicate things, but let’s be real, even if you set you and your child up for success by 1. Set clear rules, 2. Give them a heads up, 3. Set “Grandma’s rule”, & 4. Pick your battle, tantrums are inevitable, they will happen from time to time.
Let’s then go over what to DO and what NOT TO DO when tantrum and other behaviors happen.
I will use leaving a park as an example as I walk you through the Dos and Don’ts. Let’s assume that your child is throwing a tantrum when you told them it’s time to go home.
1. DO Stay calm & ignore v. DON’T React
This can be a challenge for us parents, especially if you’ve seen it and dealt with it so many times in the past. You might feel frustrated, or even get the urge to explode the second you hear your kids scream.
Even then, pretend as if it doesn’t faze you at all.
By staying calm and ignoring the tantrum, you are more likely to take the right step to handle the behavior.
You reacting emotionally could also opens up a floodgate of all sorts of emotions from you and from your child. This could cause the situation to escalate rather than subside, you may end up saying something you may regret later.
Remember, No playground access while your child is throwing a tantrum.
Also, while they are throwing a tantrum, it’s important to aware of your surroundings and keep them safe.
If they are in front of a swing, move them so they don’t get hit. If they are on a concrete floor, move them to a glassy area so they can fall on the ground without hurting themselves.
Once you secure a safe environment, go ahead and wait out until the tantrum deescalates.
2. DO Follow through v. DON’T Give in
When it’s time to leave the park, that’s what’s going to happen by you following through with your instruction.
But HOW? What does Following Through look like?
Here are some steps you can follow when giving instruction and following through:
Wait for 5 seconds
If the child complies, give a simple praise/reward
Repeat the instruction in a calm manner, this time with assistance. For example, you ask your child to stand up. Wait for 5 seconds, and if he/she doesn’t comply, repeat the instruction while you gently prompt by walking towards your child and lift his/her shoulders
Acknowledge when the task is completed
Giving in only reinforces the tantrum.
That is, kids will learn that if they throw a tantrum, they will get their way.
Next time, they’ll throw a tantrum, if that doesn’t work, they’ll try harder.
Next time, they’ll throw the same tantrum, if that doesn’t work, they’ll try harder. You might try to follow through, but if you give in after a bigger tantrum, guess what? That’s what they learn. And just like that, a cycle of worsening behavior has been established.
3. DO Reward v. DON’T Bribe
If they do comply and agree to leave the park, reward them.
Doesn’t have to be a party every time, just a verbal praise or high five will do.
If it was something difficult for your child to do, however, you can reward with small tangible items, but only once in a while.
What I hear sometimes is that people get confused between reward and bribe.
There’s a BIG difference between the two.
Rewards are given after a good, desirable behavior. In this case, leaving the park when it’s time.
Bribe, on the other hand, you are offering a treat AFTER they start throwing a tantrum.
What happens immediately after a behavior has tremendous impact on what will happen to the behavior in the future.
So with reward, kids are learning to show the desirable behavior, while with bribe, they are learning to tantrum in the future.
4. DO Catch them being good v. DON’T take it for granted
Lastly, always try to catch them being good.
We parents, myself included, are sometimes very good at noticing and pointing out what your kids are doing wrong, isn’t that right?
If you look close enough, there are a ton of good stuff kids are doing throughout the day.
For example, to get to the park, they followed your instructions on how to cross the street. They wore mask without complaining, and they said hello to the neighbor on the way, etc.
Try to catch those moments and praise them.
Even for us, it’s no fun when your boss only notices your mistakes and takes every hard and good work you do for granted, right? Same for kids .
Remembering these 4 Dos & Don’ts will help you manage the tantrum and screaming right at the moment.
By not giving up and following through, you’re also helping to decrease the tantrums and screaming from happening in the future.
I hope you found these tips helpful in stopping tantrums and other challenging behaviors.
If you’re interested in learning more or want to schedule a time to talk about your specific concerns feel free to contact me for a free phone consultation.
Chisato Komatsu, PhD, BCBA-D, is a licensed psychologist and Board Certified Behavior Analyst at the doctoral level with over 18 years of experience studying and working in the field of Applied Behavior Analysis (ABA). I utilize evidence-based interventions, which help individuals and parents learn how to take action in their lives to achieve ideal outcomes in a safe, confidential and empathic environment. I work in Culver City and greater Los Angeles area. I am available for telehealth sessions for families throughout CA. Contact me at chisato@littlepineconsult.com or (323) 285-2221 to schedule a free consultation.
